Piss Off

Most men will be able to relate to this in one way or another. For women, this might be insightful (and at the same time totally pointless).

At the outset, let me establish that this post is about men's urinals and the various types of behaviours one is exposed to in this sanctum. I say that urinals ought to be the most uninteresting places in the world, but much to my chagrin, they aren't. So if you don't want to read about men peeing, then stop here. Else, let me take you into my view (don't get me wrong about the view) of what should be a hallowed space.

There are many different types of pee'ers among men. And a lot of them piss me off (said with tongue firmly in cheek).

1) Those who use the urinals as an extension of their workspace:
This person will have his phone precariously poised between his head (cocked - no pun intended - to one side) and his left shoulder while taking aim. The conversation will generally be about how "we can launch on time and hit our targets". Touche I say.

2) Why waste a perfectly useful bladder break:
God bless bladder breaks. Sometimes meetings can be a battle between the bladder the speaker. Fortunately, most days the speaker gives in and calls for a bladder break. However, there's always the odd eager beaver who will want to carry on the discussion just as you get poised to aim and shoot. He feels the compulsive need to ask you questions like "How do you think this issue will go down?". Steely silence is what he gets from me.

3) I love spending quality time with my family
Then there are the kinds who will use pee time like tea time. Make a quick call to the wife and the kids. See how they're doing. Ask about whether the maid came in and ironed all the clothes. And if the dog is still constipated. Stop already!

4) Song-birdies
Yep - some people feel the need to sing a song - ideally the birdie song - to urge things along. Use an I-pod I say.

5) The conspiracy theory enthusiasts
These one's are scary. They'll take the corner urinal. Get really close to it and in fact stand more like facing the corner than straight ahead. Kinda like the world is out to get their jewels. Never checked, but I wouldn't be surprised to see a trickle or two down the corner wall!

I think the following simple rules should be posted and enforced by the PeePolice -
1) Please switch off your cell phones, pagers and any other device designed to keep you in touch with the outside world.
2) Do not talk unless General is stuck in the zipper. And even if that's the case, don't talk - just scream! (Just don't expect anyone to help)
3) Wash your hands. If you're not concerned about personal hygene, at least do it when there are other people in the loo. Because they might be working with you and you know how word gets around!!

All in the general interest of the decent pee'ers in general.

Pee-ce out! Biatch!